I am judged constantly on my parenting. Part of it is because I’m a new mom, part of it is because I am parenting transracially, and part of it is because I have an entire bureacracy monitoring most decisions I make. While on the one hand, it is exhausting, I have become much more aware of how my parenting styles affect others.
For example, I constantly feel as though I am being watched. And, when I look up (usually on the bus), it seems like there are always at least two people staring at my TA and I wistfully. At other times, such as when her hair is not at its prettiest, I will look around to see stern faces eyeing me and my daughter. I know what they are thinking, and I am careful to have my daughter look her best when we are out and about.
Something happened yesterday, though, that made me wonder about my own judgements of parents. TA and I were on our way to see about some baby music classes, and a woman and her (approximately) three or four year old son were waiting at the bus stop. TA did her best to engage the boy, and the mother and I laughed at her antics.
Then, on the bus, the boy started pointing at me and saying, “You have a big fat stomach. You have a big, fat, ugly stomach.” The mother told him that she used to have a big fat stomach, when she was pregnant with him. The boy thought about this for a moment, and then continued pointing at me and chanting, “You have a big fat stomach. You have a big, fat, ugly stomach.” The mother did nothing to encourage kind behavior or limit his meanness (and let’s face it, for a fourish year old, that is pretty effing mean, and let’s not even go into what it says about his respect for adults or what kinds of prejudice he hears in his home).
I could have done any one of a number of things. I waited for the mother to explain that 1) it is rude to point and 2) the behavior was mean and unacceptable. She did not do either of these, just looked at me and smiled one of those, “Kids say the darndest things,” smiles. I considered moving, but then was all, I’m going to be bullied by a four year old? I thought long and hard for several minutes, while the boy continued his pointing and chanting. Everyone on the bus who could see and hear him was tense, wondering how the heck this would end. I felt a little badly for them, because it was pretty uncomfortable and… ugly. That’s the only way I can describe it: Ugly. Not so much the boy’s behavior, but the mother’s condoning, and implicitly encouraging, said meanness.
I thought carefully about how I could handle the situation, and what I would do if my TA behaved in the same manner. One of my parenting fears is that my child will grow up to be selfish and unkind. Sitting on that bus, I told myself that I had to be gentle when/if I responded. I had to be kind because my upset was not so much caused by the boy as it was seeing a behavior – unkindness, lack of compassion, cruelty to another sentient being - that I fear TA will one day display. (And lets be honest – American society almost demands lack of compassion to “succeed” in life.) I waited some more for the mother to correct her son, and when it became clear that her only response would be to conflate a pregnant belly and a fat one, I parented her son for her.
In a calm, quiet, even voice, I said: You owe me an apology. You are being mean to me. It is rude and mean to point, and I don’t like it that you called my stomach big, fat and ugly. You hurt my feelings. You owe me an apology because you are being mean and rude and you hurt my feelings.
The mother looked simulaneously mortified and offended. The boy apologized. I wasn’t surprised that they got off at the next stop, but I was surprised that the mother told me to have a nice day.
And that was the end of it.
Except I can’t stop rehashing the events. Was I wrong to correct the boy? Was I being judgmental of his mother? Was my voice calm enough? Should I have just moved seats? I don’t know, and I’ve been rethinking my response over and over and over again. My words were not random; I rehearsed them in my mind for at least two blocks (mind you, while this kid pointed and chanted at me). My tone and voice were also not random; I said a little hello to TA before I spoke to the boy, to make sure my voice didn’t go all nutso on me. I used “I” statements. I told him my expectation and I told him what he did that was wrong and why the behavior was unacceptable. I made him aware of how his behavior affected me. I did not attack him… or did I?
Did I go too far when I said he was being mean and rude? I admit, that line came straight out of Supernanny, you know, when she puts the offending child in the naughty chair. Still, it came dangerously close to a personal attack in my view. On the other hand, should TA ever say anything like that, I would have no problem telling her that she was being mean and rude. So…….. where does it end? I admit I’m in a spin cycle of paralysis by analysis right now. Which, I guess, is why I’m posting this. I would love to hear others’ thoughts on this incident, and on the idea of how to raise a child to be compassionate and kind. If you had been in that situation, what would you have done? How would you have handled it differently? What if it were your child that had behaved similarly? And how do you raise a child to NOT hold prejudices that are socially acceptable (like fat prejudice)?
Here from Creating Motherhood…
I think you handled the situation with great dignity.
One thing that’s hard with kids’ comments is that our own interpretation of the meaning gets pulled in, even when the kids may not mean them quite the way that we hear them — not that this kid wasn’t being mean to you, but societal ideas about body shape were swirling around in your mind as well as everyone else’s on that bus, and at 4 he may not understand how much meaning “fat” carries. Or maybe he does?.
My husband has had many kids (and adults!) point out how tall he is. “Wow, you’re really tall.” Occasionally one will say that he is TOO tall. Being tall is something that’s neither good nor bad (well perhaps it’s good in our society) and it’s certainly nothing over which he has any control. So he doesn’t take it personally, even when it’s said as an insult. I’d imagine that if a kid were taunting him about being too tall, he’d respond proudly, and undoubtedly with a wisecrack about beating the kid in basketball or something.
Once a few years ago I was at an arts fair and had picked out a large photo that I still really love. The photographer’s kid (around 5 or 6 years old) was in the booth. As I was making my purchase, the kid started commenting on my very long hair, then the observations that my hair is long became “Your hair is too long. Why is your hair so long? Your hair is too long. I have never seen hair so long.” The photographer looked so panicked, clearly thinking that he was about to lose a sale of several hundred dollars because of his kid, and he shushed him to me and banished the kid from the booth and apologized profusely. I’ve had many kids (and adults!) comment without judgment that my hair is very long, and many more kids and adults comment with praise. And so I didn’t take it personally. But I wonder how I would have felt if he’d been talking about something that I would take personally, like body shape, or my face, or my ethnic background.
I also wonder how the photographer would have reacted if I was just a random person rather than a customer — whether he would have done the right thing if money hadn’t been at stake. I’d like to think that the woman you encountered was in the minority and most people would have stepped up in the same situation.
Hi Baby! Thanks for stopping by!
“at 4 he may not understand how much meaning “fat” carries. Or maybe he does?”
That is a really good point, and one that I hadn’t considered. Honestly, looking back, I wonder if he did understand that there is a judgement in that word. Thank you – if I have a similar situation in the future, I will be more aware.
I just came over from creating motherhood and this is the first post I am reading on our blog and I found your blogpost really interesting. I think this was a very good reaction. Yes, maybe it might be better to separate between person and what a person is doing. BUT in this case, I think it was better put exactly the way you addressed the boy. Not only for the boy but also for the mother. SHE needs to change! And also to the audience in the bus – it signals: under MY watch in this society this behavious will not be accepted, not towards yourself, not towards another persion. Moving seats would have been SOO much worse. Putting it more mildly would also have been worse – your way was very good I think.
Wow, I can’t even begin to imagine a mother allowing herself to talk to another person that way. I am completely flabbergasted.
So proud of you for standing up for yourself calmly and firmly. You showed your daughter how to do the same for herself.
Oh Wow, Shanz. I would so have been meaner, and much sooner. (Well, perhaps not, but I would have wanted to!) You did the right thing, and if a kinder delivery sounds more ideal in hindsight, it’s pretty tough to do that in the HEAT of the moment, especially when the heat imvolves you. That was a teacher answer too, btw! You can so tell you’re a teacher.
There’ve been situations when, after it became clear the parent present was not going to parent his/her child, I have said or done something to take over the role that was so obviously lacking. Once on the subway in TO, I told a boy to give up his seat to an older woman, who sat with a sigh of relief, as the father looked uncomfortably on. And that’s just one incident I remember. There have been plenty, but then, I’m abrasive that way
One nice thing about student teaching and subbing in my neighborhood is that I see the kids all the time. I have, on several occasions, quietly whispered that they should stand after I got up and seats were still needed (and I say something liike, “See how tired/uncomfortable he looks? It would be curteous and respectful to give him this seat.”). With teenagers, you have to give a reason ALWAYS and make it their choice. Once, when it was a gazillion degrees out this summer, I took TA to the Shedd. The bus driver wouldn’t let us on to go home because the seats that accomodate a stroller were taken by teenagers. At that time, I yelled at them AND the bus driver. I was so mad that the driver felt TEENAGERS were more deserving of a ride than an infant, and on a dangerously hot day. I felt he needed to have that pointed out to him, and you should have seen the looks on faces on that bus. Heee heee heee.
Have you seen this article? http://alphamom.com/parenting/kindness-matters/ It got stuck in my soul and I liked it a lot.
My daughter is four and a half and we don’t take public transportation often so when we do, I always try to pay extra attention to her reactions to people that are different from us. If she’d come out with that on the bus, you can bet that I’d have stopped her after the first unkind line to make her apologize, probably with red cheeks and holding back tears myself.
Your response was within moderate limits. I might have phrased it a little differently, more along the lines of, “It hurts my feelings when you use mean words. I know you didn’t mean to make me feel sad (even if he OBVIOUSLY DID, the little punk) but your words make me feel sad. Can you apologize to me, please?”
I weight about 325 lbs right now, and small children comment about my weight sometimes. If I have a little extra time to talk to them, I say, “Yes, I am fat. Some people are big and some people are small, but that doesn’t make me a bad person. It just means I have a big body, and my baby gets extra-big hugs!”
TA’s got a great mama, looking out for every aspect of her future. Best of luck to you both! 8^)
YES! You totally rock. After I read your response, I realized that yours was what I SHOULD have said: I was most uncomfortable because I called the boy mean and rude, when I should have said “mean words” and “pointing is rude.” That helps me a lot, and I will remember it. I think what I was mostly worried about was that there is a difference in the behavior and the person. I know this, but my words didn’t separate the two. THANK YOU!
Also, I thought a lot about the fact that I focused on a negative message without providing a positive one. I wish I had said something like, “I’m big and fat, and that is beautiful,” or something like it.
Many hugs for you my beautiful friend
You are fierce and I love that you spoke up!
You are showing your girl how to stand up for herself and not to shrink away from all the hate in the world. That mother was wrong and should have hushed that boy up by distracting him with something shiny or by taping his mouth shut. I say good for you! The kid might not have intended to be mean but the fact is that he was and his grown up should have helped him see that. You did them both a favor.
That was another reason why I didn’t move seats. TA needs to learn to stand up for herself. Like I responded to BKC, I wish I had said something positive, because TA (and fourish year old boys) needs to learn that standing up for herself can be negative and can be positive, and I’m a disappointed in myself that I didn’t do that.
I <3 you, Meg.
Wow! First of all, cannot believe the mother didn’t say anything at all. Especially when it continued for blocks. I think I would have said something similar. And then would have also said something to the mother (less kindly too).
I’m really sorry that happened. Truly. TA is very lucky to have such a thoughtful mom.
Genkicat, I so wanted to say, “WOULD YOU PARENT YOUR SON FOR CRISSAKES?!” But I think the looks she was getting from everyone else was sending that message…
I have no idea what you look like, but I’m going to guess that the mother attributed your belly to TA. That might be why she wasn’t correcting her son appropriately. I might have said “Um, not pregnant.” in a meaningful way. She might have caught a clue then.
I think you did OK. I would probably have softened things a bit, but that’s because I have a 5 year old, and I know she’s not trying to be mean when she says things. She just can’t stop herself from talking sometimes – especially when something catches her interest.
I was mortified when my daughter started coming home from daycare saying she didn’t like people because they were brown. I could not understand where it was coming from because several of her friends were “brown” as was one of her favorite teachers. I don’t know if it was for effect or what she was up to, but it didn’t last long. She also tells me I’m fat quite a bit – but she means it as a compliment. What you do is teach by example, and talk with TA whenever she comes up with something outrageous to try and find out where she’s going with it.
Yes, I think that’s why this went on forever – he was chanting, and I can remember how, when I was a wee one, chanting was impossible to stop. It was just way, way too fun.
I admit, I am afraid of what will happen when the TA starts talking…