Today I had a plan. Actually, I had an appointment: At 1:00PM, I was to be waaaaaaaaaay across town at an information/orientation session for prospective foster-adopt parents. I didn’t want to go.
I mean, I only have one bedroom.
I am single.
I’m fat.
I don’t think I can be a good parent to a child with special needs.
I only have one bedroom.
I don’t make gazillions of dollars.
I doubt I could sell my condo in this market.
I only have one bedroom.
I’d never get a placement anyway.
There were a thousand and one other reasons, but suffice it to say, I put on my Courage Panties and went. It took almost two hours on the CTA to get there, and I spent the entire time fighting back tears. (What is it that the CTA makes me cry?) And I was teary-eyed not because I was admitting that I couldn’t get pregnant, but because, in my mind, I saw foster-adopt as another way I could fail, another way that the universe would reject my hopes of building a family. The whole way there, I wondered if I was strong enough to make it through another disappointment, another rejection, another failure. I still don’t know the answer to that.
Eventually, I made it to the agency, having travelled through neighborhoods I’d never even heard of. The building was institutional, and also housed non-profits that assist kids in juvenile court. That was a bit intimidating, let me tell you, and I spent a few moments wondering if it was coincidence or not.
There were eight of us at the orientation. I was the second to arrive, and spent 20 minutes chatting with a man who had been a foster child in DC in the eighties. I was heartened by his openness, and how self-aware he was. While we chatted, the others arrived, and most had to go back out to move their car. Apparently, what looked to be the parking lot was, in fact, a tow zone. Who knew?
On the way to the agency, I had been wondering if I would be joined by other IFfers, and I don’t know for sure (I’m not going to ask!), but there were two other women who had that look in their eyes. It’s a look that only happens when you have known despair, despair at what the future does – and does not – hold. One woman was single, the other with her husband. Both gave me sympathetic nods that I returned. I think all three of us know the stirrups and dildocams and heartache that one line brings.
The agency dude droned on and on, and was very nice. The married maybe-IFfer asked several questions like, “How long does it take to get a placement?” and apparently, that kind of directness only gets you evasive answers. If you are considering foster-adopt, such a question will not help you. In fact, it will only lead to frustration. The magic question to ask at orientation is, “How do you decide where to place a child?” That, my friends, will lead to useful information.
Agency Dude told us that DCFS places children within a radius of their birth family. After two hours in a warm room, with no coffee, going page by page through a photocopied manual, everyone was ready to cry for boredom. But after this little nugget of knowledge? Suddenly all 3 of us IFfers came alive.
Agency Dude told us how there was a woman in Winnetka who waited two years, and was finally placed with a child from Rogers Park. He said that she was lucky, because if another adoptive family had lived closer, that child would not have been placed with her. (For those who don’t know, Rogers Park is the northeastern-most neighborhood in Chicago, Winnetka is a wealthy north shore suburb that I have never even been to.)
I totally perked up at this, because, um, I used to live in Rogers Park (and I totally miss it) and I live literally across the street from the Edgewater/Rogers Park boundary. Somehow I didn’t scream STOP at others who were speaking, and I didn’t throw myself at him bodily, although I wanted to. I managed to wait impatiently for a lull in the conversation, and asked, “What do you think my timeline to placement would be? I live at 6200 north and the Lake.”
Internet, he laughed and rolled his eyes. I’m not even kidding, he laughed and rolled his eyes. And you know what his answer was? Do you?
He said: “That’s no problem, you’ll get a placement right away.”
And when I just stared at him with my lower jaw getting rug burn, he continued:
“If you don’t get a placement in three months, I’d be shocked.”
And then when I just stared some more, and my tongue started rolling around on my shoes, he took questions from the coupled IFfers.
After the meeting, I asked about my bedroom. I told him I was going to divide my bedroom, and he said, “That is the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard, it will never work you dumb broad.” “Make sure you have two doors, otherwise it’s no good.” I asked him when would I need to get this done, before I finish the paperwork or during/after the homestudy, or before placement? Agency Dude responded that, given my location, I should get the room divided as soon as possible.
I’m trying to not get excited or emotional or frantic or nervous or anxious or be overly optimistic (or overly pessimistic, for that matter). I’m still processing this, still wondering if foster-adopt is right for me. But at least Agency Dude didn’t take one look at me and say, NO WAY. Because if I’m really being honest? I would tell you that I totally expected him to say I was too fat, single, old, ugly, and I don’t have enough bedrooms.
That didn’t happen.
So now I have “call a handyman” on my list of to do’s.
Another ex-rogers park person here… sigh. I miss Chicago.
wow wow wow
amazing
wow
Dude.
Seriously.
I don’t know that I could have done this. That is awesome. And terrifying. And awesome some more.
Good luck getting the bedroom stuff taken care of! And fingers crossed that you get a great placement! I’m so excited for you!!!!
THAT is awesome news! You’d best get that bedroom divided because you’re going to have a kidlet living in your house soon!
Sounds like a positive experience! I’m so happy for you. And FWIW, with the current homeowner’s tax credits out there, you might be surprised how quickly you could sell your condo. But I like the idea of splitting the bedroom too. Seems faster and more convenient!!
We use a fantastic handyman; here is his C/L ad: http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/lbs/1621650002.html
Oh, I also wanted to tell you that I went through so many of the same emotions (for the same reasons, including one bedroom!) on my way to the first orientation meeting…I can so relate!! But that meeting went a lot better than I expected, despite all of my misgivings. And like I said, I have NO regrets about going through the program–it was awesome.
Wow, I am SOOO excited for you!! I went through a foster parenting program (with the option to foster-adopt) at a fabulous agency in my town last summer, and absolutely LOVED it. I learned so much about myself, about parenting, and honestly, about my perspectives on life itself. It was absolutely life-changing. I knew going in that foster parenting might not end up being right for me (and it wasn’t, but for other reasons), but I got SO much out of the course. I really hope you’ll have the same experience! (Funny how it turned out, actually…my friend who took the course with me did complete the program, and has had several very positive short-term placements since then. I didn’t end up completing it because I found out I was pregnant after a dIUI towards the end, and my friend Lisa who did complete it is now pregnant with twins, thanks to dIUI, at age 42.) BEST of luck to you…I’ll be pulling for you, and I can’t wait to read more of your story as it unfolds!
Wow. Wow wow wow.
And I’m so proud of you!
I am so damned proud of you chickie! Way to put on those big girl panties and kick some ass!
I am so excited for the possibilities you have opened up for yourself.
I’m proud of you for going. I was afraid you were going to say you didn’t go when you opened the post like that.
This sounds so amazing and hope-filled. I’m so excited for you!
Good luck, Sweetie!!!!!
I have a good feeling about this…. I have actually been thinking about just this situation and you for the past couple of weeks but for no particular reason. I REALLY hope it all works out. I am excited for you!!
that is f***ing amazing. You are one brave chick! I am so psyched for you. thanks so much for sharing that story – it was a stitch and scary all at one. I knew that they had this geography issue because I was actually talking to a foster parent in Winnetka who has been fostering for years and now since the change in law gets no kids or hardly any.
I love how you were so direct about asking for what you needed to know!!! Yeah for you!!!!!!
I would check into the whole square footage thing too with the divided bedroom.
Rooting for you! The fact that you took CTA for two hours to get there is a fete in itself!
Who knew that rogers park / edgewater was a great place to be if you want to foster adopt?! I guess that means that there are lots of parents in that neighborhood who aren’t good parents? Urgh!!!
Good luck – You’ll be fabulous!!!
shivers. serious shivers reading this. I’m a freak when it comes to hope and this is the most exciting and hopeful moment. wow
Wow! I had no idea that it was all about geography, although that does make some sense. I don’t know if this is the path you’re supposed to take, but it certainly sounds promising! Good luck.
Further proof, in my mind, that Rogers Park is the bestest neighborhood in Chitown. Even though I don’t live there anymore.
Also: wowowowowowowowowowwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!